Please Remember Me....

It has been a while since I last wrote...
Lots has happened in my life lately, not all good, not all bad either I guess. Today was just an average day. My alarm went off at 5:45am, reminding me that I had to work today. For those of you that don't know, I work at OHSU as a CNA on an Orthopaedic (bones) unit. It is pretty fun. Today our patient census was low, so I had to float to another unit. I got floated to an oncology unit. I was doing okay for the first few hours, then it started to hit home a little too much for me.

On June 27th, 2011 my Grandma passed away from lung cancer.

In February of 2010 my grandma had a routine CAT scan of her lungs. Why was it routine you are probably wondering. In 2006, my grandma had a stroke, she made almost a full recovery only sometimes she struggled with finding words. During her hospital stay and rehab they saw some spots on her lungs that they wanted to keep an eye on. So she went every year except 2009 to get her CAT scan. After her scan in February 2010, they had seen that the spot on her lungs had grown. So then many more appointments were made, a biopsy being one of them. I was the one that picked her up to take her to her biopsy, I will never for get this, we were about to get into my car, I cannot remember how we arrived to the topic but she said something about going for her autopsy; i just looked at her and started laughing so hard. It took her just a few seconds to follow in laughter once she realised what she had said. We laughed all the way to Good Sam (the hospital). It was just one of those little things that was so silly, but I still laugh about it.

Anyways, We got the results from the Biopsy I think about a week later. Cancer. I think at this point we were all terrified. We were not sure what to do, or say or anything. It wasn't long before we had an appointment with an oncologist, to discuss our (well Grandma's) options. She decided to go through with Chemo. She was a trooper with the Chemo. We went once a week and it usually lasted around 4 hours each week. 3 weeks on, 1 week off. She was treated for about 6 months. Then we had another scan done. The cancer had shrunk; only a little but it had still shrunk! So the oncologist suggested that we take her off of the chemotherapy and try what he called a "cancer maintenance drug". And so we did. She had a rough go with the new medication but after a while we got everything straightened out. So, then we were in and out of the hospital a few times with her blood pressure being extremely low, and I usually stayed the night with her there, and my mother helped out as well. We went and saw her EVERYDAY, no matter what.

The last time that we took her in was early February 2011, again for low blood pressure, 70’s/40’s. We were taken right back to the emergency room and after checking her vital signs, her oxygen saturation levels were in the lower 80’s (it should be above 93%). They were worried that she had a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot in your lung that can kill you) they ruled that out (thank goodness) but her oxygen saturation levels were still dropping despite being on oxygen now. They transferred her to the ICU. She worsened overnight and they almost had to put her on a ventilator, which she would probably never come off of. They thankfully, were able to manage her respiratory distress and kept her off of a ventilator. Over the next few days, she was doing a little better but not much. They transferred her out of the ICU. She continued to hold steady but no improvement. The doctors kept talking about sending her to a rehab facility. So my mom and I went to look at a few. I could sense from the doctors that they did not think that she would get better. So I asked them about why we could not take her home instead.

Finally after 3 weeks in the hospital (and 115,000 dollars later) we brought her home on hospice. She was on high amounts of oxygen and even sitting up was a big chore for her. Our focus was not on the numbers anymore but if she was comfortable. She needed around the clock care and could not do much for herself. It was almost 6 months that Myself, my Mom and my Uncle took care of my Grandma Day and Night. We did practically everything for her, and we were all there for her when she passed away. Other family was present as well and it was probably one of the hardest things I have been through. The next day we made funeral arrangements, bought flowers, we began to sort through hundreds of pictures to make picture boards to display. We scanned more than 200 pictures to add to a slide show all to display at her reception following the funeral. We found music, I made a proof of the flyer you hand out, we were exhausted. By Friday most everything was in order so i drug my family strawberry picking on Sauvies island, we picked 50 POUNDS of strawberry's. I made so much Jam its NUTS! It was good to. :) That Saturday July 2, 2011 we held her funeral at 1pm. reception followed. It was nice to see family but not under the circumstances. She was buried the following Tuesday.

About the past week I had been thinking of her a lot. So after my day at work. I went up to the cemetery. I must have sat there an hour and just cried. Cried because I couldn't ask her advice, cried because I couldnt hug her, cried because I wondered if she thought we did a good job... Did it make me feel better? No. I knew that she was dying but yet it has still been one of the hardest things I have been through. I feel as though I have no regrets through all of the things we did in those 6 months. I think we gave her the best care that was good for her. I miss her dearly.

I really want to encourage you to do everything in your power, to give your family member everything they want and deserve in those last parts of their lives. Follow their wishes, you will have no regrets. It is worth it.

Rest in Peace Grandma
September 13th, 1932 - June 27th, 2011
I Love You.